HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
