I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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