Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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