There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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