He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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