I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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