:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize