I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
