just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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