I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
