Already got asked if we're dating
i think my tv is drunk
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
