I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
