When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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