Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
