Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
