you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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