Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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