he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
