hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
