the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
