I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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