the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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