woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
