I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He passed out mid-signature
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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