I must be too annoying 4 u.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
