Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
