I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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