bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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