MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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