She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
