Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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