Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
