She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
