ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
and she was petting her beer can
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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