I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize