my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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