Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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