I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
