I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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