who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
