just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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