I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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