Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
