note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
