I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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