Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
