Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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