tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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