So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
