I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
That's when you crack a 10am beer
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
