i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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