I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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