So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You took a bar mat shot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
