I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
