You smell like a Billy Joel song
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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