Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize