i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So much rum. So many feels.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
