I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
