I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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