I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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