sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
