I don't usually arrange sex via text message
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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